


Feelings

by Emperor_of_Rakuzan



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: Anxiety, Depression, Feelings, Fire, Hurt No Comfort, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, M/M, Poison, smoke refrences
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-16
Updated: 2018-03-16
Packaged: 2019-03-31 22:52:49
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,385
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13985028
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Emperor_of_Rakuzan/pseuds/Emperor_of_Rakuzan
Summary: He holds up the team, but who is holding him?





	Feelings

Feelings. They were the deadliest of poisons. Feelings made you second guess yourself, overthink things, regret. There were to many of them as well. The worst part had to be how everyone was so content with expressing them. Anger, sadness, happiness, cowardice, everything. 

Hunk was always happy to show his happiness. He was giddy person with more than enough warm hugs to go around, and was a great person to talk too...for everyone else. As my best friend he was a bad one. He was just like everyone else, discarding my feelings as a joke of sorts and laughing with me. 

"Good one, Lance!" he chuckled and I blinked. Why are you laughing, Hunk? What could possibly be so funny?

Pidge was more than excited to show her annoyance, and sense of superiority over everyone. Or maybe it was just me. Hunk was Pidge's best friend now, and I guess I was replaced in a way. Pidge was always welcoming Allura, Coran, and Shiro to her party with Hunk. Pidge was great at burning everything down.

"He wasnt talking to you." She said, and I could only let my head sink. Im sorry was on the tip of my tongue, and it slipped past that barrier. It was disregarded as she sent me away.

Shiro wasnt even Shiro. I don't think he knows that I know it isn't really him. After all, I was never given credit for my intelligence. I knew that something happened the second time Shiro was taken, but I couldnt find it in myself to mind anymore. 

"I said stay out of it, Lance!" He shouted, and my stomach dropped. Why are you yelling at me for caring about everyones safety?

Allura and Coran were one in the same. Neither of them could possibly be bothered to understand how I was crumbling underneath everyone. How I was suffering behind the closed doors that they gave me.

"Hey, Lance. Did you find the joke funny?" Allura asked, and I looked up. Try to find a reaction. I forced out a laugh that sounded throaty and smirked. "Absolutely, princess." I winked, and she disregarded me again. I was used to it. I excused myself and walked the corridors of the castle. I didn't know where I was going, or rather, I wasnt paying attention to where I was going. 

I looked around when my feet began to ache and found myself in front of the red paladin armor. Keith's armor.

Keith was like the sunshine in the dark. Okay, maybe that is a bad description. In reality, Keith was just like me. He was just empty and everything that seemed to want to surface was pushed down because we cannot be bothered to deal with anything at all. Keith held our team up, then he left. That burden was placed on me, and now I understand why Keith always smelled of smoke and loneliness.

Keith would come into my room after he had a night terror and just lay there with me. I would lay with him when I couldnt sleep either, and that's how it was. If I held up the team, then Keith held up me. I wonder what Keith is doing nowadays. He's probably dead for all I know, and maybe that's how it should be.

Keith broke. He got tired of holding up everyones worries and their goddamn feelings, and he broke. Because he lost Shiro, then got him back, and lost him again. 

Because those feelings resurfaced and ate him alive. 

I walked to the hanger and went to blue first. I sat down in front of her and looked into my lap.

"I know you're probably tired of me coming and asking for you to hide me then running to red when all is said and done. It's selfish, but im asking again." I said and there was silence until a purr filled my head and the barrier disappeared. I crawled into blue and sat down on the seat. This is where Allura is when we go out on missions, where I used to be. 

Feelings.

They are the sharpest of knifes.

And I can't stop cutting myself with them. I fell asleep listening to blue's soft purring in my ears, but when I woke up it was because of the alarms blurring.

A mission.

I got out of blue and went to red, and got in. I was tired, so red toke the controls as we went out and when I saw the Galra ships, I knew it was the rebellion. The galran rebellion that is.

Not everyone accepted Lotor as their emperor, so there was a rebellion that Haggar led. It was a bad fight, and everyone knew it. Red wasnt enough to make up for my lack of control, so there was a lot of half assed fighting. We won in the end, but at what cost? 

Red purred into my ear, and a warmth enveloped me. A mothers hold. We landed in the hanger and red put up her barrier with me inside. I smiled softly and nuzzled into the invisible touch. I fell asleep again, and when I woke up this time, it was because I was being drug into my room. I kept my eyes shut and listened to the conversation.

"I think we should call the blade and give Keith red back. Lance is slacking and tonight he put everyone in danger." Shiro said.

And I wanted to break. 

But I didnt.

So I pretended to wake up again, and Shiro dropped me. "Go to your room Lance. We have a meeting with the blade tomorrow and I think you may want some good sleep for the topics." He said and I nodded. Like I would be able to go back to sleep now.

Feelings are the hottest of fires. 

And I couldnt stop burning.

Somehow I found myself in the training deck with a cigarette dangling loosely from my lips and smoke puffing out of my lungs. I inhaled again and toke another drag from the reality I live in. The reality where Shiro told the team they would be better without me and no one defended me.

"Hah, so much for best friends." I kicked the ground and finished off my cigarette. I could feel the last traces of burn leaving me as I stomped the cigarette and discarded it. I looked to see the blade ship nearing and I went to the hanger. 

Fuck the meeting. 

I entered red and sat down in her seat before pressing a button. "Can you light another cigarette for me?" I asked and held one out. There was a fire coming from the panel and I smiled as I lit the cigarette and blew the fire out. I toke a drag and blew out again. The familiar burn filled my lungs as I inhaled the copious amounts of smoke and exhaled what was left when the nicotine flooded my body.

I hummed a lullaby my mother sang me when I was younger as I shut my eyes and recalled the vicious memories of my team.

I missed my family, and Pidge missed hers, and Allura missed hers. Allura was comforted, Pidge was comforted, I was laughed at. I felt my soul crack a little and I toke another drag. Inhale. Exhale.

Shiro shouting at me in front of everyone, and no one defending me. Only the deafening sound of reality that the people I supported were leaving my side. Inhale. Exhale.

I was like that until the cigarette was just a stub, and the lullaby ran out of lyrics. I could hear Hunk over the intercoms in my helmet to come and greet the blade. So I struggled to get out of red. The sleep and smoke catching up to me as the memories flooded my memories.

Feelings were like a flood.

So I drowned.

I walked to the main deck and looked around. Keith met my eyes, and his softened. Suddenly I was choked up, and Keith came to hug me. 

Feelings are like poison, so I drank.

Feelings are like a sharp knife, so I cut.

Feelings are like fire, so I burnt.

Feelings are like a flood, so I drowned.

I was like glass, so I broke.


End file.
